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Gee oh joy
Gee, what a..... fun.... trip to Church Yelena had today. *Sighs* By fun I do of course mean I felt like shit. Part of it, while we were watching "The Cat in the Hat" (heh, I like that movie), wasn't so bad.... but I was really feeling crappy throughout. Ash and the movie and random peoples who made me smile momentarily cheered me up, Ash and the movie especially, but the one person I was hoping would notice, WAS WONDERING as to whether or not they would notice.... of course didn't notice. And I realized something else too. They barely notice me. I really doubt it would have made any sort of difference as to whether I was there or not. I mean I was on the verge of tears, right beside them, hugging myself.... and nope, nada. I didn't even get so much as a parting word from them, not even a "bye". I would have said it, tried for maybe a hug.... but I just didn't see the point. If I'm that insignificant, why even bother? I think that's what hurt the most, the absence of any sort of farewell whatsoever while they made certain to at least say it to other peop's. During the whole "Peace" bit around the altar, I didn't even bother walking up to her. Didn't see the point. Hey, she did walk up to me, but guess what, so did a score of other people.
Sad part is I still like her, the feeling hasn't diminished in the least, and it sucks. Even though I know they felt that way bout me at one point, I strongly doubt they do anymore. They don't really talk to me anymore, even less friendly in person than usual, and unless I've called them or agreed that they'd call me back, nada there.
It'd be that much easier for me if they could just tell me that I have no chance or w/e, but instead, nada. So I'm stuck like this, in "limbo". And I know that relationship wise they're not going through the best time right now. The fact that they won't talk to me or tell me if they're at least talking to someone else is part of this. This is partially why I'm loath to put this entry up or w/e, though. Don't want to sound whiny or not understanding or depress them in any way, mainly the latter, but I need to get this out there. I don't think I'm worth that much to 'em anymore. Plus, all I need, ALL I need, is a little statement either way. But this is freaking torture! If I knew they wanted just friends, or if they wanted something, or if they wanted NOTHING, bloody hell it'd be easier for me. But this is just.... gah!
I made a similar entry to this yesterday I was feeling horrible then as well, but that I made private just cuz. I briefly considered doing the same to this one, but I don't really see the point.
There's an Evanescence song I've been listening nonstop to too, one that seems to fit my situation very well. Listening to it right now. 'Course unlike in the Evanescence song, if I was just TOLD that I've got no shot, I'd move on in time. At the very least I wouldn't be stuck like this. Plus I'm not QUITE as bad as certain lines of the song would indicate, such as "nothing left to make me feel anymore", but the chorus and most of the song really fit, if maybe to a slightly lesser degree.
*Sigh* W/e. Just.... w/e. I need to do me bio newayz. Comment on this, don't comment on this, don't really care peops. Not trying to guilt anyone over here and really hope I DON'T, just needed to get this out there and see if... I dunno.... I'm noticed?
Don't worry peop's, I'm not suicidal or whatnot. Not gonna cut meself or w/e. I just.... feel like shit.
*Deep sigh* Off to do Bio and listen to the same ol' Evanescence song.
Ciao.
PS *Huggles M and gives loads and loads of cheesecake and fairybread and eggs*
PPS Ash, do not freak out, eh? Yousa cheered me up. I had fun making fun of the movie.... Hehehe........ Church appropriate, eh? Riiiiight..... 'Bout as Church appropriate as you and Razzie. ;)
WOW this entry is long. O_O
Sad part is I still like her, the feeling hasn't diminished in the least, and it sucks. Even though I know they felt that way bout me at one point, I strongly doubt they do anymore. They don't really talk to me anymore, even less friendly in person than usual, and unless I've called them or agreed that they'd call me back, nada there.
It'd be that much easier for me if they could just tell me that I have no chance or w/e, but instead, nada. So I'm stuck like this, in "limbo". And I know that relationship wise they're not going through the best time right now. The fact that they won't talk to me or tell me if they're at least talking to someone else is part of this. This is partially why I'm loath to put this entry up or w/e, though. Don't want to sound whiny or not understanding or depress them in any way, mainly the latter, but I need to get this out there. I don't think I'm worth that much to 'em anymore. Plus, all I need, ALL I need, is a little statement either way. But this is freaking torture! If I knew they wanted just friends, or if they wanted something, or if they wanted NOTHING, bloody hell it'd be easier for me. But this is just.... gah!
I made a similar entry to this yesterday I was feeling horrible then as well, but that I made private just cuz. I briefly considered doing the same to this one, but I don't really see the point.
There's an Evanescence song I've been listening nonstop to too, one that seems to fit my situation very well. Listening to it right now. 'Course unlike in the Evanescence song, if I was just TOLD that I've got no shot, I'd move on in time. At the very least I wouldn't be stuck like this. Plus I'm not QUITE as bad as certain lines of the song would indicate, such as "nothing left to make me feel anymore", but the chorus and most of the song really fit, if maybe to a slightly lesser degree.
*Sigh* W/e. Just.... w/e. I need to do me bio newayz. Comment on this, don't comment on this, don't really care peops. Not trying to guilt anyone over here and really hope I DON'T, just needed to get this out there and see if... I dunno.... I'm noticed?
Don't worry peop's, I'm not suicidal or whatnot. Not gonna cut meself or w/e. I just.... feel like shit.
*Deep sigh* Off to do Bio and listen to the same ol' Evanescence song.
Ciao.
PS *Huggles M and gives loads and loads of cheesecake and fairybread and eggs*
PPS Ash, do not freak out, eh? Yousa cheered me up. I had fun making fun of the movie.... Hehehe........ Church appropriate, eh? Riiiiight..... 'Bout as Church appropriate as you and Razzie. ;)
WOW this entry is long. O_O
no subject
(Anonymous) 2004-06-06 09:32 pm (UTC)(link)uh huuuh....
no subject
Take a good, long, hard look at what you're doing. That's all I'm going to say.