Geeeeeee....

Well, I've decided something. I need to be more bloody assertive. -_- (Hehe, love that Spongebob episode). Seriously though, I'm TOO DAMN NICE and won't say anything that might run the risk of depressing other people or getting them angry, especially at me, but mainly anything that could make someone uncomfortable in any way shape or form, and I do this at cost to meself. I don't bug people (for the most part or really for nething that matters to moi), I just give up or brood but do nada. When Hellmoura pointed this out the other day, I ended up snapping at him when it wasn't immediately dropped, and that whole thing ended REALLY not to well and basically with me in tears at one point, being yelled at at one point freaking out at another, and basically that little fiasco y'all have read about that occured during that "No Good Dirty Rotten Pig Stealing Very Bad Day". Bloody hell I just let frustration be built up and do nada about it, just sitting back and not broaching subjects, telling myself I will and never doing it, putting things off, and all around doing stuffs that is a mix of shy/too nice/w/e this is that end up with me worse for the wear but not willing to so much as put up an lj for fear of someone I know reading it or being offended or depressed by it or w/e. I'm even considering not putting THIS up. -_- WTH?!?!?!

And whenever I AM depressed, I don't say anything, not a DAMN thing. I just hope that somehow people will pick up on it, like when on AIM I get very crisp in me comments and unenthusiastic. Really I think it's been noticed once.... I need to speak UP MORE! As for on the phone when I'm depressed I don't think I really do nething different, or if I do, it's unnoticable. O.o I dunno, THAT much I dunno.... but once again, I NEED TO SPEAK UP!

This topic of mesa being "too nice" or w/e also even came up for a wee brief time in the convo I had with Ray just a few min ago. Gah, I need to stop this.

I WANT to be more "assertive" as I love that word for it, but I just..... can't. It's going against a good portion of me character, and the frustration and wondrous sadness it leads to just don't cut it to override, and neither do me "plans" to actually SAY things to people when I never do. It's not a good time, they're not in the best of moods or the "right" mood, don't want to bug 'em or seem like I'm clingy or obsessing, there's always tomorrow, etc. I just HATE having people upset or irritated with me even in the least bit and HATE causing anyone pain, and gah, I need to be shot. -_- Mesa act like other people's feelings take precedence over mine a good portion of the time (with people I actually give a damn about that is.... everyone else I ignore for the most part though I still hate to disappoint -_-), and that isn't healthy.... So, basically, I DON'T want to make anyone upset in any sort of way and I also don't want anyone upset with mesa especially, a mix of both.... not good when I adhere to this so much.

I'm not saying that I don't want people to talk/vent/w/e to me, as that's really fine. Little disclaimer here. That's NOT what I'm talking about at all. I'm talking about me just shutting up all the time and not saying or voicing my feelings or what I really wanna say, completely NOT during stuffs like this for the main.

Ok, well writing this really did help. O.o Go figure. Even if u people DON'T COMMENT (*cough cough hint hint* being assertive as of now.... sorta.... COMMENT AND MAKE YELENA HAPPY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!) it did help. And now, I'm off. :P XD just cuz.

TA MATES! *hops up and down waving*

PS Weird for me mood doesn't mean like WOOT! weird. XD I just feel.... odd. I've heard people say this alla time. There's not really one word for it. I'm just feeling..... odd. o.O Ya..... O.O